Friday, March 25, 2011

9 things that men should know about women

9 things that men should know about women

In my morning habits reading my email is somewhere in the top of the list. Nothing unusual until here, no? Of course not, instead of avoiding every source that can ruin our day, we’re so masochists that we just love to read bad news since we drink our morning coffee. I’ve subscribed to some newsletters from women’s magazines, don’t ask me why, I just did it and I can’t answer to this, and… this morning they wanted to enlighten me about one thing: “secrets about women that men don’t know”.
I find sharing of this information among women a complete waste of time, so let’s go to the part where my misogynistic ego is instantly upgraded and transformed into what they can call “The Mind Sperminator of Stupid Women”. Yeah, now, thanks to that article, I am in a new and way better form of misogynist. I will stop resuming myself to look at a stupid woman with sickness, and I will try to show her exactly what her position is for me: a boobs bearing girl and nothing more, good only for meaningless sex. No smartness inside, no feelings, no attitude.
But I can bet you’re already curious what was in that article that made me write this one, no? Let’s see.

1. Only 30% of women reach orgasm on every sexual act

What conclusion can be drawn from here? That 70% of women don’t even know how to or don’t even struggle to get there. No? They have sex just to be done and while they’re doing it they’re thinking if they look fat, if their hair is ok, if they shout too loud or if they don’t shout at all, what they have to do tomorrow, what’s in the fridge and all other shits that can pass trough a woman’s brain. Nothing about what is really happening there, because if they had done this they probably knew that the only purpose of having sex is to get to an orgasm, not to think of the shopping list for the next day. Next…

2. 50% of women have simulated orgasm at least once in life

I don’t want to ruin your self image but I can tell you for sure that at least half of your sex partners have lied you. Don’t worry yet, it isn’t your fault. You had your orgasm, you’ve done your part. They are just too stupid to understand why they are there. Women want to be equal with men but half of them are reducing themselves to a man’s pleasure achievement tool. Statistics don’t lie.

3. 3% of women sneeze at the thought of sexual fantasies

This is too funny to be true. And when you think that… the other 97% apparently get all wet when they think about it it’s even better. The 3% don’t know what they’re missing, eh? Too bad that when they are truly able to accomplish their fantasies, they’re missing that part. This is the cruel truth: some of them get to the pleasure while some will just settle for a sneeze.

4. Older women appreciate sex more than younger ones

Well at how rare it is at that age, no wonder. And dad’s soldiers have a limited term of use, no? But this is the main reason why we love MILFs. If she’s hot and pretty desperate, she’s gonna do it with whoever has the guts to ask her properly. And she’ll teach him a lesson too. Or more. We all have our half-fuck-mate out there, somewhere.

5. 80% of women are sure that all men cheat

Do you realize that, in the entire world, there are still 20% naive women?! No problem for us, the best enemy is the one that you don’t know of.

6. Fat women have less sex

And because their sexual energy isn’t released, they eat even more. And they get even fatter, so the chances of having sex are less day by day. Dammit, it’s a vicious circle. We will soon be eaten by enormous women. Save the mankind and go fast and have sex with the first fat woman you will see. Together we can make it!

7. 80% of women gain weight after their wedding

So… take a better look at her now because you won’t see it like this again after. Or just, don’t get married. This also shows why there are 40% mistresses in the world.

8. Very few women want to implement their sexual fantasies

Well, who would want sex with a Latin guy on a Spanish beach, while troubadours are singing in the background? I mean, a little privacy, please… And if they will really manage to do this, they probably won’t enjoy the moment since they aren’t capable of it. They’ll just think that the troubadours would look better in pink suits and that Latin guy could be a celebrity or maybe it should have been an Italian beach and so on. Who cares? Most women are too shy to share their fantasies, and they’re even more scared of implementing those fantasies in life.

9. Women are able to have sex out of pity or revenge

“I don’t have nickels to give you but take some sex.” Yes, especially the revenge sex gotta be a good one. “You mother f#$@%g pig! Take this to see if you’ll be able to comment again!!” Revenge sex is great.

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