Thursday, February 3, 2011

Amazing Funny One Liners

Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.

Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.

Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.

Money is the root of all wealth.

Don't judge a book by its movie
With a calendar, your days are numbered.

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses

People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.

Bad spellers of the world untie.

Friction is a drag.

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it

Things are more like they used to be than they are now.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

A clear conscience is merely the result of bad memory.

I'm in shape. Round's a shape, isn't it?

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station..

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older Then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Clones are people two.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

How do I set my laser printer on stun? 

How is it possible to have a civil war? 

Atheism is a nonprophet organization. 

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 

NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

My husband and I divorced over religious

differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

.He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

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