Friday, January 14, 2011

Management Secret

1. Make sure you hire from the bottom of the barrel
Bad employees are great! They will all but guarantee you a life full of drama. Why be on easy street when you can have a work force run amuck with thieves, liars and con-artists? Besides, who wants to spend the time and money necessary to do extensive interviews, skill tests, background checks and character assessments?

2. Over promise and under deliver
Tell people what you think they want to hear. It's a lot more expedient than radical honesty. The fun thing is there is absolutely no limit on the amount of promises you can make. If somebody complains about the last promise you made then make him or her a new one. The fact is people want to be lied to. This "walk your talk" stuff is for amateurs only.
3. Keep your business plans to yourself
All this talk about sharing your vision, mission and goals is pure bologna. People like to be kept in the dark. Besides, if mushrooms can thrive in that environment why can't your employees?

4. Control as much as you can
Spending your time trying to empower other people is just so exhausting. Better off engaging in control and manipulation so that they don't dare think for themselves. If they try to revolt, then bring in the heavy artillery.
5. Give them all 2's
Everybody knows that the way to motivate people is to scare the "you know what" out of them. One of the best ways of doing that is to give them poor performance evaluations. They will be fearful for their jobs and be motivated to work like crazy just to survive. In fact, it's probably a good idea to give them disciplinary notices on a regular basis whether they deserve them or not.
6. Create internal competition
Ever see rats climb all over each other in order to get at a piece of cheese? Don't think this doesn't work with your employees too. Make it very clear there can only be one good employee every month. This is a particularly appropriate strategy in the sales area. Make sure only one person in your sales organization gets that trip to Hawaii every year. The less in the way of best practices they share with each other, the better your odds of motivating them out of a scarcity mentality.
7. Bag the meetings
This business about holding team meetings is highly overrated. Besides, it just takes people away from doing their jobs. The last thing you want to do is give people another excuse not to do their work.
8. Work 'em 'til they drop
Squeeze every ounce out of your employees every chance you get. Never mind that you have to pay them overtime or that they may burn out and make tons of mistakes. There's plenty more bodies where they came from.
9. Ignore today's compliance obligations
There are so many personnel law obligations that trying to reach the "GoldenShores of Compliance" is a futile effort at best. Better off letting your exposures run rampant and deal with them in the courtroom. Besides, we just love our lawyers.
10. Train from within
Or, forget training altogether. Better off recycling ignorance than employing profound knowledge - which can only be gathered from outside of a system.
Special Bonus Secret
11. Forget your commitments
This bonus secret is a real powerful one and brings us full circle. Besides, your workforce probably isn't very committed to you. They say they want to work for you for years and then they quit after only a couple of months. What's up with that?

These secrets will all but guarantee your business failure.
One note: just make sure you bleed the company to a point of extinction before you use these powerful secrets.

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